in the still of the night

Tonight, a fit of depression almost sent me over the edge. Alone, a thousand miles away from home, I found myself wandering the streets of Toronto at 1 am, searching aimlessly for a direction.

I didn't quite understand how, or why, I got here. A few weeks ago, in what feels like another life, I was happy. Maybe it was a combination of the little, seemingly mundane things that drove me here. Or, maybe I just reached my tipping point, and I, without warning, fell.

More like crashed.

I don't know what scared me more -- the fact that I was walking out on the streets in the dead of night, or the fact that I was in such despair I needed to get out just to keep myself from losing my mind.

I found myself looking at the night sky, repeatedly murmuring "Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight" under my breath. It's funny how I wasn't even making any wishes at that time -- I just drowned myself in the rhyme, trying to calm myself down with the hopefulness of that phrase.

It's crazy, I know. Sometimes, I think I really may be crazy, too. I'm so good at pretending, and at hiding things, that I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know if my emotions are real anymore. I don't know if I want to exist anymore.

I suddenly realized how alone I was. I existed in a world where most of the people I talked to were faceless names behind a computer screen. I walked these city streets as another anonymous face in the crowd. I lived a life of solitary existence, where only I knew I existed.

Twice, I passed a homeless man standing on a street corner, baseball cap outstretched for spare change. Strangely enough, he didn't ask for money when I passed him. Instead, he looked me in the eyes solemnly and told me "Nice to see you again" as I passed him the second time. I should have been scared, but there was something in his gaze that enveloped me and made me feel safe again. I found myself smiling back at him, and in doing so, we acknowledged each others existence.

Somehow, that smile meant a lot. Here we were, two souls unknown & forgotten in the place we lived in. That brief moment meant that I wasn't alone, even if it was only a homeless man who could see me.

Tonight, I felt small and insignificant, but that smile was a single ray of hope for me. And I hope that if I hold on long enough, one day, I will no longer need someone else to be able to smile again.

*postcard from PostSecret