how to be dead

If the storm breaks out all over you
Teardrops from the sky aren't something new
As the drops grow fuller, you know that it won't be over soon
War of the skies is what you face

It's over. I made a choice.

In some ways, the choice was made for me. I tried to be logical about my decision, and chose mind over heart. Then I curled up in a ball and waited.

What I thought would be a simple, matter-of-fact decision turned out to be one of the most harrowing experiences of my life. Somehow, it ended up not just being about the decision itself. How can you choose between two dreams? When you give up a dream, something in you always dies.

My hopes and beliefs were challenged. My trust was shattered. And through all this soul-searching, I found some friends and lost some along the way.

I guess it's what made this decision the hardest. While I have been blessed with a lot of people who cared enough to listen, some people I expected to be there for me failed me. The disappointment is unbearable.

When your pillar crumbles, you lose all your strength. And the moment I realized that they were not going to be there for me, I lost all mine.

My choice has been made, but this is far from over. I'm not going to say I'm okay. But I'm on a mission to find myself again, and to pick up the pieces that have chipped away. The other night I found myself wandering alone on the streets for hours, eventually ending up on a park bench watching people pass me by. Strangely, I found comfort in my solitude. I realize I hadn't done that in a long time.

And while I know that there will be many more moments of quiet desperation, there will also be days where I'll find refuge in myself.

One day I will finally be able to say I'm alive.

I've been asking questions
Looking for direction
But something tells me to listen as though
The wind knows where to go
-War of the Skies