out on the town

the city against the stillness of manila bay
[taken from the harbour square complex, ccp, manila]


ice cream & candlelight
[at the manila peninsula. brownout kaya may candle. ;)]

do one thing everyday that scares you

"...the blues are because you're getting fat or maybe it's been raining too long.
You're sad, that's all. But the mean reds are horrible. You're afraid and you

sweat like hell, but you don't know what you're afraid of..."
--"Breakfast at Tiffany's", Truman Capote

It's been three weeks since I got back, and I'm still lost in the madness of getting my life back to normal. Wake. Eat. Work. Sleep. Wake. Eat. Work. Sleep. The routine is madness; yet I find myself thrown into it by forces of expectation & feigned responsibility. This is normal because this is what everybody expects of me. This is normal because this is what a mature, responsible adult would do.

I swallow this like a bitter pill.

It rained miserably the first week; the dark clouds settled over Manila the way they had over me. In the midst of warm hellos and welcome backs, my smile quivered at the edges. It terrified me. Here I was with the people I called my life, yet the thing I wanted to do most was to bolt and run away.

I was home, but this was no longer home. Nor is Toronto, nor New York, nor anywhere else in the world.

I no longer had a home.

*****

But I am okay.

It's nice to say that, even if only to myself. I am okay. It hasn't been stellar, but life goes on. There are still days when I wake up and feel that emptiness; where that part of me I lost when I left used to be. But if people can survive wars and deaths and nature's catastrophes, surely I am strong enough to survive this.

Toronto. That life seems so far away now, I wonder if it had only been a dream. Sometimes, in the middle of my daily rush, I catch myself standing, transfixed, before the poster of Toronto on my closet door. It's an aerial shot of the city, something I had tacked there years back not knowing how much the city would mean to me one day. My finger traces the outlines of the buildings, until I end up on Queen Street West. And, for a moment, I almost see myself walking down the street again.

I remember what it was like to be happy.

*****

Do one thing everyday that scares you.

I am scared as hell, but I promise to go on, because I know it will be worth it.

Life doesn't have to be this way.

the wanderer

Five months.

That's how long I've been gone.

It could have been a lifetime.

I've spent the last 24 hours in airports and airplanes, drifting in and out of a restless sleep. It's all a blur now, like some drug-induced haze, except the only thing I am on is pain. I've had to say goodbye so many times in the past few weeks that I am no longer capable of feeling anything except for that dull ache of a broken heart.

What bothered me most was I didn't know if I was going home, or leaving home.

In my brief states of consciousness, I could not even concentrate long enough to finish a page of the novel I had brought, or listen to the inflight radio before the music turned to garish noises pounding in my head. I could only stare out the windows, watching clouds roll by and icecaps floating on a boundless sea.

Then I saw myself, slipping away.

the day is breaking and time is taking
the love we're making away
this life can only leave us lonely
there's no tommorow,
just another little hole in her heart
- another little hole, aqualung

this is the only hiking i do

I climb... erm... rocks in Central Park. Teehee.

career options

which way?

it's not ice cream...

gone are the days when i thought coney island was an ice cream brand...
on another note, this was the first time i saw the atlantic ocean! cool!

art and pop art

admiring the guggenheim's architecture is fun...


but watching this real-life version of scooby doo & scrappy doo is much more fun!


[pictures taken at the solomon r. guggenheim museum, fifth ave., new york]

sister, sister

my sister and i on the banks of the east river

when dusk falls

top: sailing into the sunset [liberty island, as seen from the staten island ferry]
bottom: manhattan & the brooklyn bridge [taken from the subway as it crossed manhattan bridge]

the city that never sleeps

riding on the Q train

on the Q subway line

[somewhere between canal st. & 14th st-union square stations]

an insane quest for sunlight

I headed over to Central Park today to watch Jose Gonzalez (he sang the song from this awesome Sony Bravia commercial) perform at the annual Central Park SummerStage.

So did a thousand other people.

I must say, New York summers are insane. All patches of grass around the city, from the rolling greens of Central Park to pseudo-parks like Union Square, are packed with people trying to bake themselves in the sun. Some people were even decked in complete beach attire, beach balls included.

Bikinis. In the middle of the screeching sounds of New York taxis a few feet away. With no body of water in sight. This isn't even gentle sun -- this is hot, humid, Manila-like sun.

Yep, this is seriously insane. When I get home, I am going to get a proper sunburn near the beach, like someone from a tropical country should.

So, you see, there are still some things Filipinos have better.

Yun lang.

canyons of steel

the chrysler building towers over 42nd st.
[42nd st, manhattan, new york city]

i want to go home...

Except I don't know where home is.

channelling andy warhol

Spent the day at the Museum of Modern Art (MoMA), which is my favorite museum (and I don't even like museums!) for three reasons:

1. They have Van Gogh's The Starry Night (my most favorite painting) + Picassos, Cezannes, Seurats, and other big names I remember from my art history class.
2. I'm fascinated by the design gallery where they have everyday things on display -- subway signs, old PCs, the iPod, Umbra trash cans... even bath poufs!
3. The MoMA Store rocks! They carry all sorts of artsy-fartsy/hi-tech/kitschy items like this calendar and clock made from magnets. So I usually spend one hour in the museum and another hour in the store. Teehee.